


hurt me, i'll love you more

by samsbestgirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bottom Sam, Boys Kissing, But He Gets Better, Dean Winchester Being an Asshole, Desperation, Dysfunctional Relationships, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Sam Winchester, Eventual Fluff, Feels, Fix-It of Sorts, Heavy Angst, Hopeful Ending, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt Sam Winchester, M/M, Obsessive Love, Rough Sex, Sad, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Sibling Incest, Top Dean, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Wall Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-09
Updated: 2020-01-09
Packaged: 2021-02-25 10:00:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22190428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samsbestgirl/pseuds/samsbestgirl
Summary: No matter how many times Dean ripped his heart in pieces, Sam always came back for more. Sam would actually ask Dean to hurt him more.Because who was Sam without Dean?
Relationships: Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester
Comments: 9
Kudos: 72





	hurt me, i'll love you more

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, this is really sad and Dean's kind of a dick (but he gets better, I promise), so if it's not your cup of tea I suggest you don't read it.
> 
> But if you want to get emotional and maybe cry, then enjoy it! I guess...
> 
> This takes place sometime during season 2.

Sam slid down the hard surface of the door until his ass was resting on the cold, grimy floor. He didn't have enough strength left in his body to care whether it was healthy or not. His thoughts kept circling back to the last hours of his pathetic, messy life and he wondered if he could've done something, anything, to prevent his current situation. 

He sighed, barely restraining himself from crying some more, from hitting the wall until his hands were a bloody mess, until he felt something other than this overconsuming pain and sadness wreaking havoc inside of him. He knew it was his fault. Maybe if he had done things differently...

That didn't change anything though. He had to own up to his actions, to his decisions because he had been the one agreeing to... 

To things that he wanted but weren't made for him.

How could he have been so stupid as to think Dean would see him as more than his geeky little brother, the responsibility he had to endure, the body who warmed his bed when he was too tired to go pick up some chick in a bar and have his way with her. 

Not like Sam tried to stop him.

No. That was far from what Sam wanted.

The first time it had happened they were both drunk, surprisingly or not, and Sam had gotten handsy up to the point he had ended up in his big brother's lap, grinding down on him, and Dean, maybe for the beer coursing through his system, hadn't tried to stop him. And they did it, right there on that filthy bed, in that filthy motel room and, fuck his life, but it had been the best night of Sam's life.

But obviously it hadn't been Dean's.

Because the next day he acted like it didn't happen. And Sam's heart had been ripped in two. He let it slide because what could he have said? _Hey, Dean, so maybe I have more than brotherly feelings for you and I was wondering if maybe you were interested in committing more incest?_ Yeah, that would've gone well. So that night his brother had picked up a random chick in a random bar in the middle of nowhere and Sam couldn't have done a thing to stop him.

And that hadn't even been the end of it. No. It happened again. This time while they were sober. 

It was after a hunt, the adrenaline running high and of course, sex had been the most obvious reliever. Dean had cornered him in the kitchen, had put his hands on his waist and had planted one on him right there. They had kissed until they were both panting and needy and the only thing they could think about was sex and _need to come_ and that had been it. Dean fucked him hard and fast on the kitchen table, Sam rutting on the hard surface and Dean pulling out and jerking off over his ass 'till he came all over Sam's back, which triggered Sam's own orgasm from him. 

Fast and meaningless. 

When Sam thought about it, he wondered if maybe he had stopped this thing right then, it was possible he wouldn't have been hurting right now. 

But he didn't stop it. 

Because how can you expect a drug addict to give up the only thing that gives his life meaning?

Sam may not be a drug addict, but when it came to Dean he was definitely addicted. 

And so he took whatever Dean gave him and he got off on it, but at the end of the day, it killed him to think that for Dean it didn't mean a thing, that for him Sam was only a willing body for when he didn't have the patience to try and get into some bitch's panties.

And things only went downhill from there. 

That's what brought him to this damned, fucked-up night that he would do anything to erase from his memory. 

_Dean comes out of the bathroom, freshly showered and smelling like cheap motel soap and gun oil, and Sam can't help but side-eye him a little, wondering if this was gonna be one of those nights that left him throbbing with want and need and he couldn't suppress a shiver thinking about it._

_"What'chu doing?" Sam says nonchalantly as if he isn't burning with curiosity._

_Dean looks up at him confused, his eyebrows raised and a frown on his face, "What does it look like?" He snaps and Sam sighs, rubbing a hand over his face while trying not to stare at Dean's bare everything while he's getting dressed._

_"Fine, sorry I asked," he huffs, praying he didn't sound like some petulant child that didn't get his favorite toy because he's been naughty._

_He hears a sigh and then Dean's frustrated remark, "I'm going out." He finished getting dressed and he was now looking for his car keys. Sam knows for a fact he won't be able to find them. Not without his help._

_He barely represses a chuckle when he hears Dean's affected noises. "Where the fuck are they?" He says and Sam bites his lip to keep from smirking. "If I'm gonna miss this date, I swear to God..."_

_And that gives Sam pause. A date?_

_"What date?" Sam blows out in a rush, his head suddenly dizzy as if his world had just turned on its axis, and Dean must've heard something in his voice because he turns around and just stares at Sam, a hand on his hip and recognition dawning on his features._

_"You took them," he gets out and Sam knows he must look like a deer caught in the headlights. "Unbelievable, man. Where the hell did you put them? No, even better, why did you take them in the first place?" His voice is raised and Sam feels goosebumps breaking on his skin and a flush creeping up his neck._

_"I, uhm..." He really tries but he can't get out anything past the lump in his throat._

_"Dammit Sam, I told you don't touch my stuff, is that so hard to respect?" Sam knows he's really getting angry now and he must do something to appease his brother before things escalate and get out of control. Okay, so maybe Sam's approach hadn't exactly been pure but he didn't want Dean to leave him again, go in search of a willing body for just a night of pleasure when he had Sam right there. Sam could make him feel good. He could give him everything he wanted._

_Sam climbs down from the bed and comes to stand in front of Dean, his stance defensive, but also a little guilty. "Look, I'm sorry I took them, but can you actually blame me? I just wanted..."_

_But Dean interrupts him before he can say anything else. "Oh, amaze me Sam, what did you want?" He crosses his hands over his chest and Sam would've found it funny if not for the knot in his stomach._

_"I wanted you to stay... with me."_

_When Dean doesn't say anything and just keeps looking at him all expectant, Sam adds, "I - If you want sex, you... you don't need to go to some chick for it. I mean, you can - " He takes a deep breath before continuing, "What I'm trying to say is, I'm here and I want... I don't want you to leave. I can give it to you." Anything to keep his brother here._

_Dean's eyes widen and he looks two seconds away from bolting. And then his expression darkens, "So that's what this is about, huh?" He laughs, a humorless chuckle that makes Sam take a step back involuntarily._

_"This is your way of asking for more? You want it so bad you had to steal my car keys? Damn, who knew you'd be so willing to spread your legs for your brother?" Sam felt the earth cracking open between his feet, ready to swallow him whole. He would've welcomed it. Anything to un-hear those cruel words coming out of his brother's mouth._

_He can see the exact moment Dean realizes what he said, the exact moment regret settles over his features, but he doesn't back down. He doesn't take it back._

_And Sam feels tears stinging behind his eyelids because Dean is right._

_No matter how many times Dean ripped his heart in pieces, Sam always came back for more. Sam would actually ask Dean to hurt him more._

_Because who was Sam without Dean?_

_Dean takes a step toward Sam, gripping his hips hard enough to bruise and Sam's certain there will be marks tomorrow but he can't bring himself to care. He tilts Sam's chin up and claims his mouth in a brutal, unforgiving kiss meant to punish, Sam's sure, and Sam can just welcome it, opening his mouth to Dean's questing tongue. Sam's already hard, his dick straining against his zipper and isn't that pathetic? How much he needs Dean?_

_Dean slams him against the wall, devouring his mouth and sneaks a hand down his pants, passing his aching cock and aiming straight for his hole. He probes at it, not pressing inside, making Sam squirm and buck his hips forward, trying to find some kind of relief. Dean chuckles in his mouth and brings his other hand to Sam's lips, thrusting two fingers inside. Sam wets them the best he can with his spit, whimpering around Dean's digits, knowing this will be the only prep he's going to get it._

_He doesn't mind it. He wants it to hurt. He loves to know it's real._

_Only five minutes later and Dean's fucking him with his fingers, whispering filth in his ears and making Sam's eyes roll back in his head with how good this feels. Dean turns him around until his face is pressed against the cold wall and Sam can hear the sound of a belt being unbuckled and a zipper dragged down and then the sounds of Dean spitting in his palm and coating his dick good and then finally, finally, Dean's cock nudging at his entrance._

_And that's how it goes. Dean fucks him with rough thrusts against a wall, his pants around his ankles, and Sam moans like a whore for his big brother and doesn't he fucking deserve this? To be used like this by the one he loves most because what kind of person is in love with their brother? Sam wants it like this. He gets off on this. The pleasure mounts and he can only speak incoherently how much he needs this, for Dean to fuck him harder, "Fuck me like you mean it," and Dean does. He slams his dick in and out of his hole, the sweet drag of his hips and his balls slapping against his ass with every thrust making Sam see starts._

_Dean groans when he comes, holding Sam down and lazily penetrating him to work himself through his orgasm, reaching around to grip Sam's hard as nails dick and give it a few tugs until he's coming too, coating the wall with his warm, white come and moaning his pleasure so Dean knows. So he knows Sam fucking wants this from him._

_He wants him._

_Entirely. Completely. Only for himself._

_Dean pulls out of him, drawing a hiss out of Sam, and recomposes himself. He doesn't even look at Sam when he asks where the keys are and when Sam tells him, he gets them and fucking leaves. He fucking slams the door behind him and Sam can't breathe, he can't think, the wall is scratching at his back when he slides to the floor, the tears are streaming down his face and he fucking feels used and he knows it's his fault because he had asked for this._

_He just thought that maybe - maybe - he can be enough to make Dean stay._

Sam didn't know how long he'd stayed there, on that cold floor, the tears drying on his face, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He felt numb like he's lost the ability to sense something - anything.

Ever since they've started whatever the hell they were doing, that's how it's been. Dean has always done this before.

And Sam let him because he was weak. He's always been weak when it comes to Dean. 

Sam knew it wasn't okay, it wasn't normal. It was toxic behavior. He's heard it all before. But he couldn't stop. This overwhelming desire to have Dean, to be near him, this desperation it wouldn't go away no matter what he did. 

Maybe he was fated to never be enough. Never be enough to keep Dean.

Sam sniffed and pulled himself slowly to his feet, wincing and tripping over his own feet, the soreness in his ass making him limp a little. He pulled his pants back up, not bothering to wipe himself off, and just threw himself on the bed face down, wanting to block the world out.

Dean did it. 

He left him broken on the floor and Sam didn't know if he would ever be the same again. 

He just felt torn up. The lowest low he's ever been. 

Love did that to you. If left you just pieces of the man you once were. 

The sound of the door being opened pulled Sam out of his semi-catatonic state and he craned his neck to see better. He didn't expect Dean to already be back. But then again, it could've been five hours and Sam wouldn't have noticed.

Dean was panting hard as if he'd been running a marathon and frantically searched the room in his haste to localize Sam. When his gaze landed on Sam he froze, slowly releasing the breath caught in his throat. Sam couldn't find the necessary strength to move, so he didn't. He was just looking at Dean through hooded eyes. 

"Oh, God... Sammy."

And that would've been enough to bring Sam to his knees if he was standing.

Dean dropped the car's keys and his jacket on the floor with a loud thud and he fell to his knees next to bed Sam was lying on. Sam drew his brows together, confusion replacing whatever numbness he was feeling, and he slowly sat up, intending to question Dean. Was he hurt? Oh God, Sam couldn't stand it if something happened to him.

But before he had a chance to inquire, Dean put his head in his hands and just started sobbing, right there on his knees next to a stunned Sam. Sam's eyes widened and he opened his mouth to say something but the words got stuck in his throat. He felt tears of his own threatening to drown him and he was pleased to find out that he still had tears to cry, he hadn't run dry yet. 

He got to his knees next to Dean and placed his hand on his shoulder, needing to soothe him, to make him feel better. Sam hated to see him in any kind of pain. 

"Hey, Dean.... What's wrong?! Are you alright?" Sam asked softly and prayed to every angel up there to stop Dean's pain. Whatever the cause. 

"If I'm okay?!" Dean asked incredulously. "Fuck! Dammit!" He screamed out, a torn-up sound, and the next thing Sam knew, Dean turned around and grabbed his shoulders, shaking him madly. "How can you ask me that after what I've just done to you? Fuck! I should be asking you that! I should be comforting _you_!" 

Sam looked at him like he's lost his mind. He didn't understand.

"Fuck me! Sam, yell at me, scream at me, fucking hit me, baby. Do something, please! I fucking deserve it. I've treated you like shit and you still care about me..." Dean pulled on his hair, trying to make sense of everything. Why wasn't Sam fighting back?

"Dean... it's oka -" 

"No! Don't fucking say it's okay, it's not okay. It's everything but okay." Sam could see Dean struggling to say something and he gave him time to piece together what he wanted Sam to know. "I don't know what's wrong with me... I - I don't even know why I acted like that. I - It seems like everything I touch I ruin." 

"It's -"

"It's true, that's what it is. I know you love me. I know you're in love with me. I can see it in your eyes. And what I did... I took that love and look what I did with it. I don't fucking deserve anything as pure as you, Sam, can't you see? Guess I was trying to prove that to myself. That I hurt more than I do good. That no matter what I do, I'll end up losing you. I was... just trying to save myself the pain, driving you away in my own screwed up way."

Sam listened to him, his head hung low.

"I don't know what I was thinking. It was stupid. Stupid and dangerous and not fair to you. But guess I did it, I proved myself I'm not really worthy of love, of your love. I hurt you before you could hurt me, and who does that, Sammy? Who?!" 

Sam couldn't take it anymore. He surged forward and wrapped his brother in a tight hug, enveloping him in his arms and just holding on for dear life. Dean sagged against him and buried his face into the crook of his neck, breathing in the unmistakable scent of Sam and crushing him to his chest. 

"I can't believe how you can stand to even be near me. I took advantage of you for so long and you still... Fuck, can you be more perfect?"

Sam chuckled drily, "I'm not perfect, Dean. I'm far from perfect - I just... You didn't take advantage of me, I wanted it. It's disgusting and fucked up, but I wanted you. You didn't make me this way. That's just how it is."

"Sammy, even though I did - what I did, don't think for a second that I don't feel the same way." He pulled back so he could look Sam in the eyes, letting him see every emotion swimming on his face. "You're the most important person in my life and I love you - I'm in love with you - and I'm an idiot. I know it's not a fix-it, doesn't make it right what I put you through, but it's the only thing I can offer. The truth."

Sam sobbed quietly, staring at Dean and seeing reflected back at him all the things he's wanted to see these past few months. Dean's right. It didn't make it right, but it made it bearable. 

"Sam - baby - I can't promise that I won't fuck up again, but I can promise that I'll try. I'll fucking do everything I can to make it better, to get better for you. Only for you, Sammy. I swear."

Sam could only nod because he's been wanting to hear that for so long that he almost lost hope. "Dean, I don't need you to be perfect. I need you to talk to me and tell me these things and we'll find a solution together. I need you to _let me_ love you. Because in my eyes you're worth everything." 

Dean surged forward and caught Sam's lips in a needy kiss, passionate and true, and Sam counts it as their first real kiss. The only one that mattered, the first one in a series of hopefully other heart-melting kisses. Sam responded eagerly to Dean's insistent mouth and mewled, the sounds going straight to Dean's dick. He gasped and pulled away, resting his forehead against Sam's. They weren't ready for more yet, not tonight. Not with their emotions running unchecked between them like this, not when the wounds were still fresh and trying to heal. 

So Dean took his baby brother's hand and laid him down on the bed, climbing in after him to wrap his arms around his waist from behind. They were chest to back and Sam couldn't help the contented sigh that escaped his lips when Dean buried his face in his neck, nuzzling him fondly. They fell asleep this way, hoping tomorrow will be better.

Their problems weren't solved but they were working up to it. It would take time to build back the trust and the loving relationship they've lost somewhere along the way but they were going to be okay. 

As long as they were together, come hell or high water, nothing else mattered.


End file.
